You've got to learn how to die before you learn how to live

I woke up at 10 am this morning.

That is the first time ive done that in about 6 months, and usually when something happens that hasn't for a while you get to thinking. Why did i decide to wake up so late? Usually i get up early each morning to pray, get into some Word, do some worship or go to class ( going to school IS important!). But today, the snow covered plains of Kansas prevented my class from happnening, so i was given a free morning.....but why not get up and spend some time with my Daddy?

I got on my computer and started listening to Luke's audioblog at our youth site (x-tremefaith.blogspot.com). He was talking about getting our lives focused back on God, and rembering Christ during this time of year where everyone seems to forget His name is actually in the season: Christmas. Had i also forgotten this?

These past couple of weeks have been particularly rough for me. I have had an incredible amount of homework that would probably rival most Ph.D's (maybe not). I haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep as ive been landscaping my mountain of work. But the biggest thing that's been on my mind is basketball.

Basketball is the thing that has followed me my whole life. Ever since i was 6 i have been basketball crazy. I can remember the day when my mum bought me my first basketball, and when it went flat after i had dribbled for only a couple of minutes......i cried! I remember the day that i was picked to play in an under 14's regional team when i was only 9.....one of the happiest days of my life. I remember when i was 15 and ready to quit basketball and i asked God that if he wanted me to keep playing that he would grant me an oppurtunity to really play for Him, and that i would devote whatever i did in basketball to His kingdom. Basketball has brought me halfway across the world, allowed me to play infront of thousands of people and has formed me into a devoted and intense athlete.

But recently (the past 4 years), basketball has hit me with the rough end of the stick. I've been stuck in some situations where basketball has been less desirable, mainly because of the relationships i had with my coaches. I've felt that they haven't had the same passion and commitment i've had to the game, and as a result....i've became angry. I've turned into a different person on the basketball court. A friend of mine who had never seen me play before just recently came to a game and couldn't recognize me. My teamates have said i've looked scarey when i get mad on the court, and that they wouldn't try to mess with me.

This season i have been particularly angry. The level of basketball is considerably lower than what im used to and the conditions that which I'm playing can only be described as unprofessional. From the coaching staff, to the practices, to the games. I guess im saying, i could do a lot better...............................see.........this is the stuff i think about........the stuff that gets me mad........that causes me to wake up at 10am...........that takes my focus away from God.
I've been trying my hardest to recenter my focus, but to no avail. I'll have a couple of games where ill push all my anger and frustration under the rug, only for it to resurface greater at some point.

After listening to Luke's audioblog this morning and thinking about how my own focus has been lost (on Him), i began to remember all the times that i tried to imagine my life without basketball........i could never do it without feeling terrible. The fact is, basketball has been something that i've always had, and that i've never been able to give up. I can't remember how many times i've prayed and ask God to rid my life of all the things that get between me and Him, and can you believe that it was only this morning......before i started writing this blog.....that i've finally realized what that is.

I believe now that God brought me half way across the world to show me how much basketball could come between me and Him. I have failed to give it up to Him. Althought, i've realized that giving basketball up, and giving basketball up to Him is completely different. I'm sure that if my scholarship would have allowed it, i would have bowed out of this basketball season a long time ago, but since it hasn't, i've had to endure basketball as undesirable as i've ever experienced it.......for myself? No..........for my team? No.......for my coaches? Definately not!...........for Him? Yes Lord........I accept......and i will endure for you.

Paul says in Romans that we can rejoice in our sufferings for we know that God is moving. I've never been able to understand this untill now. I can't tell you how aggrivating and disappointing going to practices and games has become for me......but i can see how God is moving through this. He is teaching me to die to basketball, so that i may live more in Him.

Is this easy now? Definately not.....My body is still wired to get angry and upset everytime i see something i don't like on the basketball court. But Daddy God, i ask you to cut these wires.....i thank you for your patience with me and ask that one day, i may fully let go of this other personality that i have created....may i be able to live only for you in every situation. May i let go.......may i let go.....may i die to this for You. Thank you Dad. Amen.