Friday, October 28, 2005

I Surrender....all to you....all to you

Thanks Courtney for the helped a lot.....

Everyone longs to give themselves completely to someone,
To have a deep soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and exclusively.
But God, to a Christian, says:

No, not until you are satisfied with living loved by me alone and have an intensely personal unique relationship with me alone.
I love you my child and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction,
You will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you.
I want you to stop planning, stop wanting and allow me to bring it to you
- Just keep watching me, expecting the greatest things -
-Keep experiencing that satisfactions, knowing that I am -
Keep learning and listening to the things I tell you.
You must wait.
Don't be anxious.
Don't worry!
Don't look around at the things others have gotten or what I have given them.
Don't look at the things you want.
Just keep looking to Me or you will miss what I want to show you.
And then when you are ready,
I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than any you would ever dream of.
You see, until you are ready and even this minute to have both of you ready at the same time…
Until you are both satisfied with me and the life I have prepared for you,
You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies your relationship with me and is thus perfect love.
And dear one, I want you to have this most wonderful love.
I want you to see in the flesh a picture of your relationship with Me
And to enjoy the everlasting union of beauty and love.
I am God.
Believe and be satisfied.
(1247 St. Anthony)

Waking up with the sun

For the past 2 weeks or so i've been waking up at about 7:45am every morning.....without fail. I've never been able to understand this, becuase it doesn't matter if i go to bed at 12 or got to bed at 4, i'll wake clockwork at 7:45am. And it doesn't matter whether i've had 7 hours or 4 hours of sleep. I'll get through the day without ever noticing that im tired, or worn body just keeps going.

When i do wake up, i wake up with this fear that my alarm hasn't gone off and i get up quickly to see what time it is. I have to sit up straight in order to see my clock and as soon as I see it...7:45am...i feel disappointed. "Brenton! You knew you set your alarm, why do you keep waking up before it....quit worrying you'll be late for class!"

But almost everymorning this week, when i've sat up to check my alarm, i look out my window, and there it is....the sun has just poked its head over the tree line. Its almost a blood red color, but as it rises turns to yellow, and the skyline on the horizon changes colors with it, almost mimicking it.

I don't know why this story is important, or what it means, and i still can't figure out why i wake up at 7:45 everymorning. Maybe a humble reader may be able to explain this phenomenon to me, or maybe just writing about it will clear it from my mind and allow me.....and the get some rest....we're both very busy.

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

Shunned and despised, but still going

So i realize that there are now only two people that read my blog, and all they do is complain about how much i dont update (hehehe just kidding guys.....i love you!). But here goes...the next post.

Life sure has taken a twisted turn in the last couple of weeks. Who will ever understand the plans God has for us? Sometimes i wish i could be Solomon for a day and just have God ask me what ever i wanted. Ahhh the possibilities......I think Solomon had the right idea though. Wisdom can be defined as “expert-level knowledge in the fundamental pragmatics of life”. Wha? Basically, from my studies, wisdom comes down to 5 things: factual knowledge, knowledge about strategies and procedures, life-span contextualism, relativism and uncertainty. I think if you've got these 5 down, you've got a pretty good grasp on life.

Solomon on the other had was in a real icky situation. He was just a young king that had no idea what he was doing. All he asked for was an understanding mind, and God gave him riches beyond his wildest dreams. Solomon got the understanding mind, and all the mooolah he could ask for, but he still messed up. He still made mistakes and was even at some points unwise. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines!!! I'd be happy to just handle one girlfriend! And talk about understanding mind.....imagine what the wives went through! Scriptures say that God had warned Him against intermarrying, yet Solomon "insisted on loving them".

Man....that's a powerful piece of scripture for me. Last week i really just insisted on loving my ex-girlfriend, Hanna. I have insisted on having her in my life, where it seems God is trying to get me to move along. In holding onto her, i am choosing to neglect where God is leading me. Solomon asked God for wisdom, yet continued to seek his own desires. I bet Solomon had a firm grip on the 5 essentials of wisdom, but totally lost track of trying to understand what God wanted for him in his life......that's gotta be true wisdom.

As i've been writing this, i've been listen to a Ben Harper song, which speaks to me is so many ways, but particularly in this situation:
"I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery
They say time will make all this pain go away
But it's time that's taken my tommorrows and turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun is dropping on down
And once again, you my friend, are no where to be found
It's so hard to do, yet so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away"
-Walk Away, Ben Harper.

There have been so many times in my life, where i've just tried to hold on to things that have brought me comfort and happiness, and haven't realized that i've been walking away from God. The fact is, a time like this may probably happen again, and i will fail to give it up to the Lord because of the pain. I'll fail to even try and understand where God is taking me, and i'll suffer....again.

But this story doesn't have a bad ending. Even though it took me a long time to understand, and took a couple of people to push me forward, i had a breakthrough last friday. I was talking with Sister Marie Carmel, a very wise lady, and she gave me a very good piece of advice. I can't even really expalin how she said it. But, she in affect just advised me to tell Hanna that i still cared for her and would be there for her, but that i shouldn't try and contact her for a while so that i could move on. Even though this still seemed harsh, it made a lot of sense to me. And yeah....i know....about a thousand people told me to do that already! I think stubborness just runs in my blood.....hate using that as an excuse though.

Since then, my heart really has felt free again. I haven't spent a lot of time in prayer about it, but God has been slowly and gracefully breaking all the attachments of my heart and joining them to Him in trust. I really don't know, or will probably ever understand where this relationship in the last two months of my life fits into the plan God has in my life, but that wont stop me from trying to. I pray that i can be wise in that aspect.

So what else is going on in my life.....i'll make it short. I'm now the president of the City of Dorkville (facebook group), getting my hair braided tonight (will post some pictures), haven't shaved in about 3 weeks and my foot is messed up (basketball injury). I know you're thinking identity crisis....but it's really not. By next week my hair will be cut, and i'll be back to good old, Brenton, Bob, BJ....whoever i am (ok.....maybe i do have an identity crisis)

~God....thank you for being you. Thanks for helping me become me....again. Amen~

Monday, October 10, 2005


So i need to write down how I'm feeling right now, so i can remember that through the hard times there is still God. Usually i'd write this in a journal but for now i think i want everyone to hear.

We will never fully understand the ways in which He works, and we will have the hardest time sitting and wondering whether it is Him acting in our lives, or if it is some other force, maybe our own, that is pulling our life in a certain direction. Scripture is always the constant to fall back on, and reading it gives such a pretty picture of what life should be like. I want to paint that picture in my own life, but yet i feel like i am looking at my paintbrushes in a glazed stare, not knowing what color to brush first. I look back at my picture and find that it is already beautiful; full of color, hope and excitement.....yet there is something missing. Just a few strokes more and it will be complete; in the back of my mind though, i know it will never be finished; that i will continue to add colors untill this life is over.

I'm constantly wanting more from God, constantly asking where i need to go next to be with Him. And the answers i receive are the same ones i've been getting my whole life. Am i just stuck in a carosel? Am i going around and around the circle of life, experiencing the highs and lows but never getting anywhere? I want my horse to break from its stand and run free into the wonderful circus that is life, and live, change, share God's word and serve. But i'm stuck on this Christian merry-go-round that excludes me from this world. People look up to me, rather than at me. They see me on this high and fantastic ride that goes up and down, thats bright and colorful to them, yet for me it goes round and round and doesn't stop.

Don't get me wrong, I am set apart as a Christian. I don't want to be one of the crowd; but i want to be among the crowd. I want to use the skills God has blessed me with, in such a way that i can relate to those I love; walk with them and not be stuck on a horse. Does that make any sense? Or as Christians are we supposed to uphold this stature of virtue and character?

Through all of this I see a loving God. One that forgives me when i don't trust Him. One that picks me up when i have nothing left. One that listens to me when I ignore Him. Whether I'm painting a picture or on a circus ride through life, He is there no matter want. He is in the bristles of the paintbrush, in the woodchips of the carosel horse and in the faces of all the people i see each day. Lord, may I love you in all these places; not see how i can impress others, but how i can love them, be among them....your creation.