Thoughts

So i need to write down how I'm feeling right now, so i can remember that through the hard times there is still God. Usually i'd write this in a journal but for now i think i want everyone to hear.

We will never fully understand the ways in which He works, and we will have the hardest time sitting and wondering whether it is Him acting in our lives, or if it is some other force, maybe our own, that is pulling our life in a certain direction. Scripture is always the constant to fall back on, and reading it gives such a pretty picture of what life should be like. I want to paint that picture in my own life, but yet i feel like i am looking at my paintbrushes in a glazed stare, not knowing what color to brush first. I look back at my picture and find that it is already beautiful; full of color, hope and excitement.....yet there is something missing. Just a few strokes more and it will be complete; in the back of my mind though, i know it will never be finished; that i will continue to add colors untill this life is over.

I'm constantly wanting more from God, constantly asking where i need to go next to be with Him. And the answers i receive are the same ones i've been getting my whole life. Am i just stuck in a carosel? Am i going around and around the circle of life, experiencing the highs and lows but never getting anywhere? I want my horse to break from its stand and run free into the wonderful circus that is life, and live, change, share God's word and serve. But i'm stuck on this Christian merry-go-round that excludes me from this world. People look up to me, rather than at me. They see me on this high and fantastic ride that goes up and down, thats bright and colorful to them, yet for me it goes round and round and doesn't stop.

Don't get me wrong, I am set apart as a Christian. I don't want to be one of the crowd; but i want to be among the crowd. I want to use the skills God has blessed me with, in such a way that i can relate to those I love; walk with them and not be stuck on a horse. Does that make any sense? Or as Christians are we supposed to uphold this stature of virtue and character?

Through all of this I see a loving God. One that forgives me when i don't trust Him. One that picks me up when i have nothing left. One that listens to me when I ignore Him. Whether I'm painting a picture or on a circus ride through life, He is there no matter want. He is in the bristles of the paintbrush, in the woodchips of the carosel horse and in the faces of all the people i see each day. Lord, may I love you in all these places; not see how i can impress others, but how i can love them, be among them....your creation.