Shunned and despised, but still going

So i realize that there are now only two people that read my blog, and all they do is complain about how much i dont update (hehehe just kidding guys.....i love you!). But here goes...the next post.

Life sure has taken a twisted turn in the last couple of weeks. Who will ever understand the plans God has for us? Sometimes i wish i could be Solomon for a day and just have God ask me what ever i wanted. Ahhh the possibilities......I think Solomon had the right idea though. Wisdom can be defined as “expert-level knowledge in the fundamental pragmatics of life”. Wha? Basically, from my studies, wisdom comes down to 5 things: factual knowledge, knowledge about strategies and procedures, life-span contextualism, relativism and uncertainty. I think if you've got these 5 down, you've got a pretty good grasp on life.

Solomon on the other had was in a real icky situation. He was just a young king that had no idea what he was doing. All he asked for was an understanding mind, and God gave him riches beyond his wildest dreams. Solomon got the understanding mind, and all the mooolah he could ask for, but he still messed up. He still made mistakes and was even at some points unwise. Solomon had 700 wives and 300 concubines!!! I'd be happy to just handle one girlfriend! And talk about understanding mind.....imagine what the wives went through! Scriptures say that God had warned Him against intermarrying, yet Solomon "insisted on loving them".

Man....that's a powerful piece of scripture for me. Last week i really just insisted on loving my ex-girlfriend, Hanna. I have insisted on having her in my life, where it seems God is trying to get me to move along. In holding onto her, i am choosing to neglect where God is leading me. Solomon asked God for wisdom, yet continued to seek his own desires. I bet Solomon had a firm grip on the 5 essentials of wisdom, but totally lost track of trying to understand what God wanted for him in his life......that's gotta be true wisdom.

As i've been writing this, i've been listen to a Ben Harper song, which speaks to me is so many ways, but particularly in this situation:
"I would rather be locked to you than live in this pain and misery
They say time will make all this pain go away
But it's time that's taken my tommorrows and turned them into yesterdays
And once again that rising sun is dropping on down
And once again, you my friend, are no where to be found
It's so hard to do, yet so easy to say
But sometimes, sometimes, you just have to walk away"
-Walk Away, Ben Harper.

There have been so many times in my life, where i've just tried to hold on to things that have brought me comfort and happiness, and haven't realized that i've been walking away from God. The fact is, a time like this may probably happen again, and i will fail to give it up to the Lord because of the pain. I'll fail to even try and understand where God is taking me, and i'll suffer....again.

But this story doesn't have a bad ending. Even though it took me a long time to understand, and took a couple of people to push me forward, i had a breakthrough last friday. I was talking with Sister Marie Carmel, a very wise lady, and she gave me a very good piece of advice. I can't even really expalin how she said it. But, she in affect just advised me to tell Hanna that i still cared for her and would be there for her, but that i shouldn't try and contact her for a while so that i could move on. Even though this still seemed harsh, it made a lot of sense to me. And yeah....i know....about a thousand people told me to do that already! I think stubborness just runs in my blood.....hate using that as an excuse though.

Since then, my heart really has felt free again. I haven't spent a lot of time in prayer about it, but God has been slowly and gracefully breaking all the attachments of my heart and joining them to Him in trust. I really don't know, or will probably ever understand where this relationship in the last two months of my life fits into the plan God has in my life, but that wont stop me from trying to. I pray that i can be wise in that aspect.

So what else is going on in my life.....i'll make it short. I'm now the president of the City of Dorkville (facebook group), getting my hair braided tonight (will post some pictures), haven't shaved in about 3 weeks and my foot is messed up (basketball injury). I know you're thinking identity crisis....but it's really not. By next week my hair will be cut, and i'll be back to good old, Brenton, Bob, BJ....whoever i am (ok.....maybe i do have an identity crisis)

~God....thank you for being you. Thanks for helping me become me....again. Amen~