Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Get it out there

So I guess i just have stuff to say. Don't know what. But i'm just putting it out there. I feel like i should update everyone on how i've been doing on this site, but i think once in a while i might just throw in random thoughts to offset my brain. Hope it doesn't scare anyone.

So, God has been incredible lately. The last 4 nights here at camp i've either spent time in worship, time in fellowship, or time ministering. Three incredible oppurtunities to serve Him and i feel blessed with that. I've also been spending a lot of time reading. I've been getting into Galatians and Ephesians which have been really feuling my soul. I'm also reading a book called Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller, which is incredible btw. I think im going to buy the book for a couple of friends. Basically, that book has just inspired me to think and reflect more. It offers a lot of random experiences and conversations that he places in a crazy order that makes you think about your place in the world and what God has to do with it.

I say this a lot, but i think my life is just getting started. I think i'm finally starting to find my place in the world. For some time i think i was suffering from an identity crisis, and i think, that i probably will for the rest of my life. But at least at this point i think im getting a grasp of who i am. Next week could be different though....whole new set of days. Im at the point where i feel confident about being me and not having to fit in or please everyone. A part of me still wants to get that feeling of gratification that everyone i know likes me. But now i just don't seem to care. Cinicism you might say? I don't see it like that. I see it as a point where i i'm fine with myself and i'm not afraid to show that person before others.

I know it sounds like i'm writing to a psychologist, and that i've just had a self-esteem break through, but for me its more than that. I think that this is the first time in my life that i am not afraid to dissapoint people for just being me. I don't feel awkward when i'm telling people that my life revolves around Christ and how He saved me.

I still feel helpless however when i try and explain Christ to a non believer. Here comes the analogy: I'm the non-magician that knows how to pull off the greatest magic trick the world has seen. I can perform the magic trick to my own and others amazement, but i can't explain how i do it. I don't even know how it works. All i know is that i understand it, and that it looks incredible. I could tell you how to move your hands and body and what objects need to be moved at certain times to make the trick work, but i have no control over how it happens and at times i feel confused by it all. But the greatest part about this trick, and to my own ignorance i often forget, that it is not an illusion but that the magic is actually real and that im really not performing the trick at all. It has decided to let me understand it and somehow show it to others.

How do you explain Christ to others? I don't know.......and i want to be a minister? Scarey? Never......God is not an easy thing to comprehend and we often fall in times of doubt and confusion and thats OK (I think i've finally worked that out). All i need to remember is that He is real. I can see it anytime i want......It's not an illusion.....it's real. And i can't praise God enough to why i understand that. I just wish there was an easy way to show others that its a heart thing. It's just another door that needs to be opened.

~Praise you God for being You. For whoever, wherever and all that You are and do. I may not completely understand you. But i know you are there and real, and that one day.....i will know.

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